I love marijuana
Just thought I'd get that of my chest. I am a high functioning addict and after years of struggling to be otherwise have decided to embrace what I truly am and enjoy what ever amount of time I have left on this crazy planet.
I think it would be wise to give you some background as to why I chose this route in life, I don't need to justify my decisions or actions to anyone but sometimes it's good to have the back story so that you know where people are coming from.
I have run this conversation through my mind so many times, primarily if I get caught using and growing my own and get hauled up in front of "the man"
I grew up in a little, rural village and had a very idyllic life. Loving, caring parents, good friends and countryside all around me that we were given the freedom to explore, woods, river and canals were our playgrounds.
When I was 14 I was diagnosed with cancer and over the course of a year changed from a happy go lucky boy into a depressive wreck who hoped and prayed each night that he wouldn't wake up in the morning.
I attempted suicide and frequently wished to die.
I survived the cancer but it left a mental scar that has never healed and many minor but irritating physical problems that give me pain on some level every day.
I'm not an envious person, I have two very succesful brothers and a lot of succesful friends and as far as I'm concerned good on them I hope that there lives are long and happy. However one thing I do envy is those who have never known the curse of depression.
Depression is a one way door, once it is opened you can never fully close it again and you are always susceptible to the "black dog"
I don't want to dwell on it too much but between the ages of 14 and 20 (when I first started regularly using cannabis) my life was, periodically, mental hell. I first tried cannabis when I was eighteen in a cup of rank tasting coffee that a friend of mine prepared for me and I was utterly underwhelmed, until later that night lying in bed when it kicked in and I went soaring. Despite that moment being 22 years ago I can still remember it clearly, the feeling of flying, the kaleidescope of colours and the sheer joy that, up until that moment, I had never felt before.
Very infrequently between the ages of 18 and 20 I smoked cannabis but I then went to college and the first term was absolute hell and that was when I first went on anti depressants but the side effects were so awful I couldn't get past the first month of taking them. I was truly fucked up by this time and started self harming. I ten found a chap at the same college who was a smoker and quite happy to supply me and things started to turn around.
One thing I want to make clear is that cannabis has never "cured" my depression but what it did allow me was respite from the black thoughts, the feelings of hopelessness and the appalling exsistential dread that dog me to this day.
My grades and attendence got better and I finally passed my HND with a merit by that time I was a full blown smoker of weed.
I have never understood the people who protest that cannabis is demotivating, I've never found that, probably because I think that depression is crushingly demotivating whereas as cannabis makes me happy and that makes me motivated because it supresses my nihilistic tendencies.
Well there is more and I'll write that in later, I just wanted you to know that I don't use cannabis just because I love it but because it genuinely helps relieve the symptoms of the depression that has shadowed my life since the age of 14.
I don't have a problem with people who use cannabis just cause they like it (you don't need a note from the Dr's to get pissed afterall) but like all of these things, wether hard or soft legal or not the responsibility lies with the user and if it becomes a problem i.e you can't pay your way or hold down a job you need to reassess your lifestyle.
No comments:
Post a Comment